IT'S NOT LEGALISM, IT'S LOVE...

Yvonne is my mother and none of the other people who have influenced my life exist without her story. No other man or woman is more responsible for my existence other than her. At 79 years old, she mostly stays at home, plagued unfortunately with a host of health-related issues.  I don't understand them all and conversations about her challenges, too many times result in conflict.  I wanted a life with her that requires her to be more active and engaged.  She is struggling sometimes to get through the day.  More than a year ago, my mother was hospitalized for two weeks, some of that time was spent in the ICU. It was a scary and emotional time for me.  I experienced moments of loneliness, uncertainty and a few outbursts of tears. 

My response to her condition was surprising, mostly to me, as my mother and I, not unlike many other mother-daughter relationships, are in need of some healing.  We struggle with striking personality differences and point of views which has robbed us of time to make heart-warming memories.  There were a few nights after being by her bedside when I realized that she could possibly pass from this world. And it was that realization which forced me to consider the question, what was the most important lesson my mother had taught me?

I was raised by my grandparents until the age of 13 years old. It was a home filled with discipline, high levels of accountability, unrealistic expectations at times and religion. We attended an Episcopalian church, Holy Trinity on the western part of the Island of Jamaica and it was there, where I was first introduced to organized religion. Across the Atlantic Ocean however, my mother had found Jesus and left religion behind. She had gotten "born-again" and everything else in her life went black.  Her turbulent marriage ended in divorce, she continued to be separated from her children (now my younger brother and l) as my grandparents had gained a foothold in raising us both and when it couldn't get any worse, she survived a terrible car accident which left her with enduring physical scars. 

However, her determination to enforce mandatory service to Jesus Christ was undeterred and claustrophobic at times. She was passionate, zealous and unwavering in her belief that the only thing we should do is serve the Lord with all our heart and soul. For me as a child, it was utterly confusing as I felt that I was being asked to question my solidarity to the Episcopalian church as well as my grandparents. What I failed to realize then but understand fully now is that what my mother treasured above all else was loving and serving God even at the cost sometimes of important relationships. She just wanted my brother and l to personally believe in something bigger than ourselves.  She desperately wanted us to be committed to the cause of Christ by ‘loving the Lord our God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind’ as Jesus conveyed in Matthew 22:37.

This idea of loving Jesus with everything in us in many circles today and even some churches is not central to messages coming from the pulpit. We love ourselves, our comforts, our lives, even our compromises.  We say all the right things, but our hearts are far from Him (Matthew 15:8). And even though we reject at times this commitment to loving Christ in this way, our own souls desperately seek to be loved wholly and completely. Unfortunately, there is no profound answer within us, believe me, I've tried to "mine" answers from within. There is also no human being capable of loving us or fully accepting who we are.  Completeness within is found in completely loving the Lord your God.

Forty years later, I find myself conveying a similar message to my own children.  My methods are different as they are rooted in a gentler approach, but the desired end result is still the same. I'll always appreciate that even though my mother may have done it wrong, the motive and message was right.

~Nicholine Charles